Look at us

Look at us. We’re just a mass of tormented souls in tortured bodies. We’re all curled up in agony awaiting the release from our pain that comes with eternity. Day after day, waiting for our father to release us from this temporary shell that feels like its covered with barbs and thorns on the inside put there solely just to rip us apart with every move and every step.
 
Yet here we all are, still here. Still going. Still remaining. Still hopeful of that light we all see in the distance. The light we all long for. The light we all are reaching for. The light that is the reason we are all still here enduring trials that are physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.
 
The light seems far away, but it is not as far as it appears. Do not give up this fight. We are all here together. We are all here fighting. We are all here looking towards the same sight ahead. So take your brother’s hand and help him back up before he gives up completely. Bind up your bleeding gaping wounds and trudge ahead today.
 
We’re all just a mass of tormented souls in tortured bodies, but we will make it to the end. We will make it to the light.
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Human or Angel? The Whole Story

[warning: brief mentions of a suicide attempt]

((Since I shared it other places, why not here.  Friday was 17 years ago since my one and only attempt to kill myself.  That day I also met a kind stranger who was the first person to show me I wasn’t alone.  It was a strange encounter, and they disappeared after that day.  I’ve looked for them so many times over the years.  I’ve had this strange feeling that they might have been an angel.  So for the first time here is the entire story of the mysterious stranger who impacted my life so much on one of the worst days of my life.))

Okay, so I’ve never told all the details of the person I met the day I tried to kill myself…the one who I’ve question if they were human or angel. So see what you think. Mind you I would be absolutely ecstatic if they were human since that means i could possibly find them again.

(Background: I took too much of some stuff on the way to a church camp at a college, puked it all up overnight, but I was still scared in the morning and went to the ER.  It was just energy pills, so it was a bad attempt, but it was an attempt.)  

First meeting was at Gattiland (a restaurant). I went to the ER in the morning and had to catch back up with the camp. I still felt nauseous and I was really sad still. I was in the entry way almost crying. And this young man walked up to me out of nowhere and asked if I wanted to talk. We talked outside about what I had been through and he had ODed on something before even. Like I said, first time I ever felt like I wasn’t alone. He asked someone that was a camp leader if I could go with them, and I left with her.

Yeah he could have been an LCU student…he seemed older than me….but he wasn’t a camp leader or camp worker…why was here there then?

Later we were at the girls dorm in the lobby for something, and he was there interacting with people. Once again, don’t know why he would have been there.

Lastly, there was a concert and I saw him in the lobby and I talked one last time with him. He was casually interacting with a couple of people. He suggested writing each other, which granted me closure as I thanked him one last time. That’s really the one place I can explain him being at since it was a concert.

After that, he was gone. I wrote him once, and he never replied and I didn’t get a return to sender. I didn’t keep the address, I just remember his name. I remember his face a little…he had a distinct widows peak hairline.

I’ve always had a weird feeling that he could have been an angel. God can influence people, so he could have influenced people and interacted briefly. He was just there for no particular reason and seems to have disappeared. I’ve never found him on Facebook. I thought I did once, but I friend requested that was rejected instead of DMing them and lost them.

So that’s the whole story….the mystery of my life.

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Do not fret about the mockers

Don’t worry about those mocking the fact that a shooting happened at a church….you should be feel sorry for them. If you have God, you have everything. You could be poor and naked on the streets and still have EVERYTHING because you have God. Those who have all the fame and riches the world has to offer but don’t have God….they have NOTHING. So pray for those who mock the church and God…because if they leave this world today…they will leave with nothing. And we will leave with everything because we will be going to our father who is everything.

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I already have everything, I am already complete

“If you have God, you have everything. If you don’t have God, you have nothing.”
frequently I get periods of what I can only describe as deep emptiness. There’s no reason for it, but it is there. Maybe its just a voice from dark places trying to convince me I’m empty, because that I have clearly felt before so strongly I heard them speaking in clear words. Or its just natural periods of feeling lacking and empty that just come with being in this world. Either way, its a feeling a emptiness that appears frequently for a certain period of time.
 
When you find God, you are completed. You are complete for all of eternity. There is nothing on earth that can complete you. No thing. No person. No purpose. No identity. Nothing. But we still fight with not feeling full or complete. If God completes us, that means this feeling is not from God.
 
It is from the world. The world is temporary and fleeting, and nothing here lasts. So nothing here can complete you because it can’t even endure itself. So here we are, eternal beings in a temporary world seeking to be completed for eternity with temporary things.
 
Evil pokes and prods at our feelings of emptiness. They say they have the cure to what can fill us. Instead of handing us a cure, they hand us a shovel. This is because when we seek to complete ourselves in the world, we only find ourselves digging holes in our souls instead of filling ourselves. This is addiction….when you think you are filling yourself when in reality you are digging holes in yourself. That’s why it never works. That’s why it only gets worse as you consume your addiction over and over….because you are digging a hole deeper and deeper in yourself. The emptiness grows more and more and in your illusion of thinking you are filling yourself…..you are in fact ripping yourself apart.
 
God does complete you, even if it is difficult to sense across this chasm from another world. In the spiritual realm and in the heavens his hand is placed in the hole that is made for him to enter and complete you. Its hard to feel it from all the way over here sometimes. It requires a little faith to believe that he is there completing you when the feelings of emptiness surround you and try to convince you otherwise.
 
So…what do you do when those feelings of emptiness rise up? These worldly temporary bodies seek to end the feelings with anything that could possibly work. Even if that means pumping poisons inside and carving up the outside…whatever it takes to make that feeling go away. None of these things will work….all you are doing is digging.
 
If you have God, you already have everything. You could be on the streets with nothing but the clothes on your back and have everything. The person down the street could have all the riches in the world with everything they could ever dream of at their feet….but if they don’t have God….THEY. HAVE. NOTHING.
 
That’s the best advice I can give….is to keep saying you already have everything….that you are already complete….that nothing here can complete you. Over and over as many times as you must say it….say it.

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so many masks….

There’s a lot of masks we have to put on in society. When you have a lot of them, it’s gets tiring to juggle all of them.

There’s the depression mask. Can’t talk about that stuff. Even when you are pretty much clinical and it’s around a lot. Even when the thoughts are with you more than most people are around you. You struggle with motivation, focus, concentration, and wanting to live at all much of the time….but you have to hide it.

There’s the anxiety mask. Can‘t talk about that stuff. You feel the fight or flight panic for sometimes no reason with no cure but to wait it out. You feel like it’s the end and death is near…you’re terrified….but you have to hide it.

There’s the layers of masks built into the anxiety mask. Like the hypochondriac mask…you’re trying to work out of anxiety about a condition you saw on TV and it’s terrifying….yet there is no comfort to be found….so you hide it.

There’s the germaphobe mask. You are actually really scared of getting infected or contaminated or eating bad food….but no one gets it so you hide it. You try your best to hide your hand washing, but you can only hide it so much. You feel infected and unclean almost all the time…but you can’t talk about it, you have to hide it.

There’s the social anxiety mask. You struggle with being in crowds and loud places except for some exceptions. They make you angry and anxious. Being around people and having to talk with people a lot is overwhelming and irritating. When there’s so alone time in sight you have to just struggle through until blissful alone time can be found. But God forbid you struggle with being social in this world…so you try to hide it even though it’s hard to hide in the first place.

Sometimes you are just an angry and irritated person…but people are suppose to be nice and Christians are suppose to be nice and stuff….so you have to try to hide part of yourself since you don’t fit a description of a good Christian.

There’s a lot of masks to juggle sometimes. People don’t want to hear about it or deal with it. People don’t understand it. So it’s better to just stick a few masks on even if juggling them is difficult.

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when someone is proud to own your artwork, a piece of your heart

I had made an art piece for an art show a few weeks ago.  I wasn’t really thinking about making something to sell, I just poured my heart out and made a piece with a few of my photography pieces.  I kind of felt like mine was crap compared to everyone else’s honestly.

Someone ended up wanting it and they own it now!  I didn’t know who it was at first, but they messaged me.  Its cool to know who it is now :).

Hearing someone say they are proud to own your artwork has got to be one of the coolest things in the world.  Especially some of what is on this piece.

courtney_artpiece

 

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photography: steampunk hat

I decorated a steampunk hat recently and got a few shots too :)….I’ll get some close up shots on here later since you can see the detail as well in these…

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