One thing that’s always been a big issue for me that I don’t really talk about….is anger. Maybe that’s hard to believe with all the dumb sheep doodles I do, but it’s true. It’s something that goes REALLY far back. It’s also something I’ve never quite figured out completely…like the who I’ve actually been really angry with all this time. I don’t know who I’ve been angry with all these years. Maybe it’s me I’m angry with…I don’t know.
God has done some interesting things over the years though to try to teach me to hold back and wait for him when a bout of anger hits and I want to react before thinking.
When I read my old poetry journals I thought I would find mostly sadness and a little anger…I was wrong….it was several books FULL of anger. Screaming on a page anger. Some stuff I will honestly mark out so no one finds it later. I still have rejection and abandonment related triggers that don’t trigger depression….they trigger anger. I don’t tell anyone really because it’ll sound dumb probably. It takes EVERYTHING in me to stay silent and not react the way my mind wants to….because the way I want to react isn’t right. Certain things just trigger old pain of feeling abandoned and rejected. I think reading those old journals reopened some of that.
Years ago I noticed that a lot of times when I was angry and wanted to tell someone off…God would block me. He wouldn’t let me be able to see them…or he would take care of the problem before I could speak up. Over and over he wouldn’t let me speak in anger…literally blocking me from doing it. It took me a while to realize that he wanted me to see that he wanted me to wait for him and not react in anger. Because the reaction I wanted to do wasn’t right, and I wasn’t in a good mindset to do anything right. He wanted me to wait for him and have faith that he would take care of it.
Years later I found myself opening those old poetry journals soaked with rage so much it drips from the pages. I found that anger again that was so hard to handle as a teen. I found myself ready to tell someone off in a triggered rage they wouldn’t have understood at all. God didn’t block me this time. I had it all written out ready to hit send….but God didn’t block me. He just said “don’t do it, not now, don’t do it, just wait”. I could have ignored God and hit send, but I remembered all those times he took care of everything when he made me wait. So I hit delete against the wishes of my seething rage….and I waited. I let the fire burn out even though it felt like my insides were on fire. And God took care of everything…just like he always said he would.
I waited on God…and he didn’t have to force me to this time. I did it on my own.
So yeah…me and anger have known each other a while. I don’t totally understand our relationship. I know it’s one of my hardest struggles even though it’s the one I talk about the least. But it was cool to see what God has been doing to help me deal with it. I thought it was awesome what God had been doing all these years to show me how to deal with it.