Dealing with anger

One thing that’s always been a big issue for me that I don’t really talk about….is anger. Maybe that’s hard to believe with all the dumb sheep doodles I do, but it’s true. It’s something that goes REALLY far back. It’s also something I’ve never quite figured out completely…like the who I’ve actually been really angry with all this time. I don’t know who I’ve been angry with all these years. Maybe it’s me I’m angry with…I don’t know.

God has done some interesting things over the years though to try to teach me to hold back and wait for him when a bout of anger hits and I want to react before thinking.

When I read my old poetry journals I thought I would find mostly sadness and a little anger…I was wrong….it was several books FULL of anger. Screaming on a page anger. Some stuff I will honestly mark out so no one finds it later. I still have rejection and abandonment related triggers that don’t trigger depression….they trigger anger. I don’t tell anyone really because it’ll sound dumb probably. It takes EVERYTHING in me to stay silent and not react the way my mind wants to….because the way I want to react isn’t right. Certain things just trigger old pain of feeling abandoned and rejected. I think reading those old journals reopened some of that.

Years ago I noticed that a lot of times when I was angry and wanted to tell someone off…God would block me. He wouldn’t let me be able to see them…or he would take care of the problem before I could speak up. Over and over he wouldn’t let me speak in anger…literally blocking me from doing it. It took me a while to realize that he wanted me to see that he wanted me to wait for him and not react in anger. Because the reaction I wanted to do wasn’t right, and I wasn’t in a good mindset to do anything right. He wanted me to wait for him and have faith that he would take care of it.

Years later I found myself opening those old poetry journals soaked with rage so much it drips from the pages. I found that anger again that was so hard to handle as a teen. I found myself ready to tell someone off in a triggered rage they wouldn’t have understood at all. God didn’t block me this time. I had it all written out ready to hit send….but God didn’t block me. He just said “don’t do it, not now, don’t do it, just wait”. I could have ignored God and hit send, but I remembered all those times he took care of everything when he made me wait. So I hit delete against the wishes of my seething rage….and I waited. I let the fire burn out even though it felt like my insides were on fire. And God took care of everything…just like he always said he would.

I waited on God…and he didn’t have to force me to this time. I did it on my own.

So yeah…me and anger have known each other a while. I don’t totally understand our relationship. I know it’s one of my hardest struggles even though it’s the one I talk about the least. But it was cool to see what God has been doing to help me deal with it. I thought it was awesome what God had been doing all these years to show me how to deal with it.

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My Self Injury Story at Jesuswired.com

I got to do the biggest thing I have ever gotten to do for Self Injury Awareness Day.  My self injury story is up at Jesuswired.com as part of my column series The Eccentric Sheep Musings.

Click here to read it.

jesuswired_sheep-1

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Self Injury Awareness Day

Stay strong, my friends who share these scars with me.  You will always have my heart.  I will ALWAYS be proud of you.  I will ALWAYS believe in you.  Keep fighting today.  Don’t give up!

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When you can’t say “I want to live”

This is probably thoughts people who know me don’t want to hear me talk about, but for the sake of those who feel the same way I’m going forward with it.

So I think it was Artesia where Kevin Young of Disciple talked about wanting to live and said “I want to live” when speaking about the loss he and those around him on tour had been dealing with. I’ve been thinking about that because I spend most of my days thinking more of the opposite.

That brings me to my question that I will try to answer…what do you do when you spend more days saying “I want to die,” instead of “I want to live?”

First of all, even the midst of this plague of thoughts desiring to leave this world and go to our true home….there is a peace in the fact that when I say “I want to go home”….that there is a true home that exists to long for. And it’s not a dream or a long lost hope…it is something I WILL see one day because it is promised to me. So just knowing it is ahead even if it is not in sight quite yet makes the journey a little less painful.

That’s the beautiful part of God promises…he ALWAYS keeps his promises. So he has promised heaven for his children when they leave this world. So heaven is indeed ours and is waiting for us. So even if you trudge on today and every step feels difficult and unbearable, the light at the end of this tunnel is just ahead and worth every painstaking step to get there. So if that is how you must think to get through this day, I say do it because I tell you it’s worth it to take those steps and keep going even when you don’t want to keep going.

Second of all, there must be peace with the fact that God has decided it’s not your time yet. And that’s okay because his timing is the best. If you are still here it’s because God still has a task for you here. This means there is still work to do. Focus on the what work God stills needs of you here. There will be all of eternity to be in heaven, but if you do not do your work here someone could miss the splendor of heaven forever because you did not share the love of God with them in the way God destined you to share it with them. And isn’t a few more painful days here worth bringing another soul to God’s side? I say it is!

Like Kevin said….you won’t even know all of the ways you will effect people’s lives and impact the souls around you. So you can not know when your job is done here because you do not even know all you have truly done.

God has an amazing way of turning all of our messes into perfection. All of my outreach is ONLY because of this mess I have been walking through for over 15 years…good grief probably almost 20 years by now. Even if it all feels like wasted time in the depths of despair, God can do big things for his glory with all of our trials and struggles. So I have peace with the fact that God has been able to do good things WITH this mess of mine.

So maybe it’s okay to not be able to say “I want to live”….maybe at least for a while. Maybe as long as you can say “I must live because God still has a place for me here, and I will leave this world when he says it is time.” If you know you still have hope and joy that perseveres where happiness fails, maybe it’s okay to not be able to say “I want to live”.

That’s the best I can do with an answer for the time being I guess.

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Filed under anorexia, anxiety, bipolar, depression, faith, God, hope, hurt, Jesus, pain, sad, self harm, self injury, suicidal, suicide, Uncategorized

Is There Any Light Here?

I wrote this poem almost a year ago, and now its over at Jesuswired.com!

click here to view it!click here to view it!

“This one is about feeling like one has done too much wrong to be God’s child.  It’s about feeling like there is no way one could be a part of the light because of everything you’ve done.  It’s about not feeling God there in those dark times.  Its about the fact that you are never too far gone for God to come find you and seek you.  You are never too far gone for God to come to you where you are and love you and want you with him in his presence forever after this world.  You are never too far gone for your life to have been worth dying for on that cross.”

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My poetry at Jesuswired.com

So this week I am getting to post a couple of my poems over at Jesuswired.com!!  The first one I picked is the first poem I always pick if I get to share any.  Its about talking with God about my self harm.

Click here to read “The Jar of Clay” at Jesuswired.com

Should be another one up soon 🙂

 

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it was just me

When you go on your own blog from your phone not through the app, and WordPress is like “wow you got a lot of traffic!”….and it was just you on your own blog, LOL.

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